Batting at 76%

Bill Simmons writes a column for ESPN.com that I think is quite funny. Cameron often tells me about it, and more than once has sent me the column feeling that it is particularly relevant to our lives. oday was no exception. He was writing about the Tiger Woods mess and talking about why his wife might or might not be crazy. The reason... she has two small children. I think all of those that have small children can relate.

Bill Simmons just always says it so perfectly...

Tiger's wife gave birth to a daughter (now 2 years old) and a son (10 months). You're reading the same guy who once premiered my buddy Sully's "Twelve Percent Theory" in this same space: that every childbirth makes a woman 12 percent less sane until the kids can fully function on their own. So if you have two kids, you're batting at about 76 percent sane.


Anyone married with two young children can back me up: You don't mess with your wife, in any way, shape or form, during the 12 months after that second kid is born. Her hormones have gone haywire. She isn't sleeping enough. She's dealing with the new baby, the suddenly wounded ego of the first kid who doesn't feel special anymore, and whether she can handle two kids at all. She's trying to lose the weight from Baby No. 2, only she doesn't have enough time to work out yet. So she hates herself and hates you for doing this to her.


You aren't walking on eggshells around your wife during this stretch; you're walking on razor blades. Every comment has to be carefully considered before being spoken. For instance, here's a typical exchange with a mother of two young kids who has a baby 10 months or younger:


Husband: "You look really nice today."
Wife: "Why today? Why did you have to say today?"
Husband: "I just meant--"
Wife: "So I don't look nice on any other day?"


That's the Twelve Percent Theory in action. Again, you can't anger your wife during this time under any circumstances.


There's a chance that Tiger just has a fleet of nannies who deal with his kids, nullifying the Twelve Percent Theory to some degree. I don't think this is true for a simple reason: Tiger's wife was a nanny. Former nannies are less prone to hire a fleet of nannies because they know firsthand how attached a baby can get to a nanny. I think his wife carried much of the load herself. That would also explain why Tiger's mother was reportedly there on Thanksgiving. Not just for the holidays, but to help out. Right?


(I know, I know. I am throwing crap against the wall and hoping it sticks. On the other hand, you found yourself nodding the whole time. I'd bet anything. So let's say that Mrs. Tiger is hands-on with the kids. Fine.)


Anyway, the mix of "facts we know" and "things we perceive from those facts" left a little wiggle room and led to four accepted explanations emerging after the accident. I am leaving out any far-fetched explanation along the lines of "Tiger was going out to buy crack" and "Tiger had been furious at that fire hydrant for months and it was only a matter of time before he went after it."